THEREFORE I AM: Always keep your gaze dead ahead in the men's room

Columns

April 24, 2006

By David Spates / Chronicle columnist The Crossville Chronicle Mon Apr 24, 2006, 02:24 PM CDT

At the risk of having my membership revoked, being excommunicated from the brotherhood, and having my Y chromosome forcibly removed, I’m about to break a sacred male secret. I’m going to give you ladies a peek into one of the few remaining and most highly-guarded realms of masculinity, the men’s room. Let this serve as a warning: If you’re feeling hesitant or if you just don’t have the constitution for this sort of thing, stop reading now. The men’s room is no place for the squeamish. Machismo runs amok.

Let’s move on.

The most obvious difference between the ladies’ room and the men’s room is, of course, the urinals. It’s a hotbed of activity. You women are aware of their function, but there are some aspects and subtleties that I’ll bet you’re not aware of.

For instance, did you know that some men’s rooms have advertising at the urinals? Some clever marketing guru figured out that when a man is — shall we say “momentarily occupied” — in the men’s room, he’ll read just about anything, including ads. The advertisements are placed at eye-level and hawk everything from TVs, power boats, sports cars, motorcycles, liquor and even cigars. It’s usually “manly” stuff like that. When a man is in a vulnerable and compromising position, pictures of high-testosterone toys are soothing. No one sells armoires and doilies in the men’s room.

The men’s room is an untapped gold mine of advertising potential. Take a look down.

If you think ads placed above the urinals are clever (however intrusive), consider this: Do you women know that there are even ads in the urinals? There are these little plastic strainer screens that serve the same function as the strainers in a kitchen sink. They prevent unwanted items from going down the drain, but instead of blocking chicken bones and gravy skin, urinal strainers catch cigarette butts, coins and garish pinky rings. And like I said, these strainer screens sometimes have ads on them. America, what a country.

Often the ads are for the company that makes the strainer screen, like Swisher or someone like that, but sometimes there are helpful little messages on them. “Say no to drugs” is a message I spotted recently. I can’t help but wonder to whom that message is directed. I’ve been in hundreds, if not thousands, of men’s rooms in my lifetime and no one has ever offered me drugs while I was in them.

“Hey, buddy. You wanna try some crack?”

“Well, it’s tempting, but I just read a message on the urinal strainer. I think I’ll pass.”

And to whom should I attribute this drug warning? Is the urinal itself worried about me? Is it the Swisher people? The restaurant where I’m eating? Of all the fixtures in the men’s room, why is the urinal striking up a conversation? Maybe the sink should chime in with some words of wisdom of its own. “Don’t cheat on your wife.” “Stay away from saturated fat.” “Always come to a complete stop at a red light.” “Wear sunscreen.” Those are lessons most every guy can use. Most of us don’t use drugs, and it has very little to do with what the urinal says.

How the urinals are installed varies from men’s room to men’s room. For instance, some men’s rooms have little walls that separate the urinals. They provide some measure of privacy, but the real benefit of the mini urinal wall is that they allow men to relax their eyes a bit.

Their eyes? Absolutely.

The first rule of the men’s room is that you do not, under any circumstances, allow your gaze to wander south of the equator. Young boys learn early on that you stare straight ahead at the urinal. No peripheral vision will be tolerated. If you want to go sightseeing, visit the Grand Canyon. You walk in the men’s room, sidle up to the urinal, do what you need to do, rezip and always, always, always keep your eyes dead ahead in a 1,000-yard stare. It’s guy code.

But the mini urinal wall gives us a little relaxation. You can safely move your eyes two or three degrees from dead center and still maintain the guy code. It’s not much, but a little relaxation can mean a lot in the men’s room.

I hope you ladies have enjoyed this little trip into the men’s room. Feel free to stop by anytime. You’ll be welcomed with open arms. Well, maybe our arms won’t be completely open, but you get the idea.

Just remember to stare straight ahead. It’s the code.

• • •

David Spates is a Knoxville resident and Crossville Chronicle contributor whose column is published each Tuesday. He can be reached at davespates@tds.net.

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