In Hamlet Shakespeare used these words, “Those friends thou hast ... grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel.” That is the way I feel about friends and then recently I saw this headline. “Decision to ‘unfriend’ online stings for some,” and as I wrote that word ‘unfriend’ even my computer didn’t recognize it and immediately underlined it in red.
The Wall Street Journal article explained that social networking sites such as the popular Facebook and MySpace are largely responsible for this new term. Those people involved build personal profiles to share with other users they call friends. Unfortunately, those friends grew to hundreds and more. Even worse few knew or had even met except online. The writer of the article interviewed a number of participants and their ages were in the 30s and 40s. Is it loneliness that compels them to tell about their lives in great detail to be read by strangers?
As time went on those engaged in this new kind of social networking realized things were getting out of hand and they began to use the clicker to drop names. This was done without notifying the dropped friend. Thus was born the term “unfriend.” That act insulted or hurt the feelings of the one dropped and brought up a question of proper etiquette which remains unsolved.
The most basic definition of a friend is a person whom one knows, likes and trusts and the online version doesn’t pass that test. The Thesaurus uses many variations of friend: chums, acquaintance, crony, confidant, pal, companion, buddy. A writer out of the past declared that friends are born, not made. Carrie Jacobs Bond expressed her feelings about a friend as “We find at the end of a perfect day the soul of a friend we’ve made.” Those who understand friendship have learned that faithful friends are hard to find.
Not long ago Australia did an interesting study on longevity. Their research revealed that close friends were more important than family and economic prosperity in increasing the length of a person’s life, especially among the aged. In fact treasured friends are often considered family. Many people have been fortunate in finding a best friend forever. To be classified as a BFF, reciprocity, consideration and reliability build a firm foundation for a friendship that lasts.
Daniel Hart, a psychology professor at Rutgers University, explains the importance of those three qualities. “Across the lifespan, the essence of friendship is reciprocity or mutuality, some sense that your friend is attentive to you, taking turns appropriately, and that there’s some sharing.”
In her book A Life for a Life written in the late 1800s author Dinah Maria Mulock Craik described a perfect friendship without ever using the word friend. “Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away.”
Only a fool would “unfriend” such a person!
Dorothy Copus Brush is a Fairfield Glade resident and Crossville Chronicle staffwriter whose column is published each Wednesday. She may be reached at dcb1@frontiernet.net.
Columns
February 24, 2009
RANDOM THOUGHTS: Only a fool would “unfriend” such a person!
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