By Jan Boston Sellers / Chronicle columnist
A friend of mine has often said that women in the South believe they can say anything they want to about anyone as long as they say, "Bless their hearts" afterward.
The first time I heard her say that, I didn't think much about it. Later, I started noticing how true that seems to be even for this writer. Here are a few things I heard just recently:
"That Johnny can't seem to stay away from the women...bless his heart."
"She is the messiest housekeeper I've ever seen...bless her heart."
Or
"She is so unorganized she would mess up a one-car funeral....bless her heart."
I was thinking about that when I got this e-mail from a friend about Southerners in general. I find it very funny and hope you do as well. I am not sure who wrote the original piece or I would give them some credit for it!
Southern Women
Southern women appreciate their natural assets:
•clean skin
•a waning smile
•that unforgettable southern drawl
Southern women know their manners:
"Yes ma'am."
"Yes, sir!"
"Why, no, Billy!"
Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions:
•"Y'all come back!"
•"Well, bless your heart."
•"Drop by when you can."
•"How's your momma?"
Southern women know their summer weather report:
•Humidity
•Humidity
•Humidity
Southern women know their vacation spots:
•The beach
•The rivuh
•The crick
Southern women know the joys of June, July and August:
•Colorful hi-heel sandals
•Strapless sun dresses
•Iced sweet tea with mint
Southern women know everybody's first name:
•Honey
•Darlin'
•Shugah
Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:
•Fried Green Tomatoes
•Driving Miss Daisy
•Steel Magnolias
•Gone with the Wind
Southern women know their religions:
•Baptist
•Methodist
•Football
Southern women know their country breakfasts:
•Red-eye gravy
•Grits
•Eggs
•Country ham
•Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with momma's homemade jelly
Southern women know their cities dripping with southern charm:
•Chawl'stn
•S'vanah
•Foat Wuth
•N'awlins
•Addlanna
Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:
•Men in uniform
•Men in tuxedoes
•Rhett Butler
Southern girls know their prime real-estate:
•The mall
•The country club
•The beauty salon
Southern girls know the three deadly sins:
•Having bad hair and nails
•Having bad manners
•Cooking bad food
More southern-isms:
Only a southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don't "have" them, you "pitch" them.
Only a southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up a "mess."
Only a southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
Only a southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, as in: Going to town, be back directly."
Even southern babies know that "gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
All southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
Only a southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!
Only southerners grow up knowing the different between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be one mile or 20.
Only a southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
No true southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
A southerner knows that a "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
Only southerners make friends while standing in lines...and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!
Put 100 southerners in a room and half of them will discover they are related, even if only by marriage.
In the south, y'all is sinular, all y'all is plural.
Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
Every southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red-eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'...," you know they are in the presence of a genuine southerner!
Only true southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it — we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
And a true southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say "bless her heart..." and go your own way.
To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your southernness, take two tent revivals and a dose of your sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!
And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this southern stuff, bless your hearts, I hear they're fixin' to have classes on southernness as a second language!
***
A CCHS graduate will be in the January edition of Seventeen Magazine's 2008 Prom Edition. Amanda Steelman, an education student at UT Knoxville, is one of the prom models selected for the annual prom edition magazine. Steelman did her fashion shoot in Atlanta recently for the upcoming issue.
She is the 21-year-old daughter of Kevin and Kathy Johnson of Crossville. She is a former Miss TAD and attended North Cumberland Elementary.
***
Veterans Day is Sunday, but most area banks, the post office and other government offices will be observing the holiday on Monday. Don't forget to thank a veteran for making it possible to live where we live and do what we do!
